Relationships can be a source of immense happiness, but they can also be challenging. In his book "The Seven Principles of a Successful Marriage," John Gottman, one of the world's leading relationship researchers, described four destructive communication patterns, which he called the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." The emergence of these patterns in a relationship can lead to its breakdown. What exactly are they, and how can you avoid them?
1. Criticism
Criticism is different from constructive feedback or a complaint. Instead of drawing attention to specific behavior, criticism attacks your partner's character. For example, you might say, "You're always so irresponsible" instead of, "It would be easier if we engaged in important matters together.".
How to avoid? Instead of blaming, use "I" messages, such as, "I feel overwhelmed when you forget to pay the bills. Can we work this out together and determine who is responsible for what?" Practicing empathetic listening and Nonviolent Communication (NVC) techniques will be helpful.
2. Contempt
This is one of the most destructive factors in a relationship. Contempt manifests itself through sarcasm, ridicule, eye-rolling, and dismissive comments. It shows a lack of respect and can make the other person feel belittled. Focus on the little things your partner does every day and try to appreciate even the smallest efforts.
How to avoid? Instead of focusing on the negatives, cultivate gratitude and appreciation for your partner. Daily expressions of appreciation can significantly improve the atmosphere in your relationship and make you feel your relationship is more valuable.
3. Defensiveness
This is a reaction to criticism that involves defending oneself and shifting blame onto the other person. For example, "It's not my fault we were late for the meeting—you took too long to get ready!" This behavior escalates the conflict instead of resolving it.
How to avoid? Instead of defending yourself, it's worth accepting some responsibility and trying to empathetically understand the other person's perspective. For example, "You're right, I could have prepared earlier.".
4. Stonewalling
This involves completely shutting down during conflict—silence, avoiding eye contact, or emotionally withdrawing. A partner using this strategy can appear indifferent, causing the other person to feel ignored and helpless.
How to avoid? If you feel overwhelmed by emotions, take a break and return to the conversation when you're calmer. You could say, "I need a moment to calm down, but I'll come back to this conversation in 20 minutes.".
„"The best way to strengthen a relationship is to build a culture of mutual respect and admiration. This is the foundation that allows partners to feel safe and valued every day.".
How to strengthen a relationship instead of destroying it?
Gottman emphasizes that healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, empathy, and open communication. Here are some tips:
- Practice gratitude and appreciate your partner every day.
- Resolve conflicts by focusing on the problem, not the person.
- Engage in active listening – show interest and try to understand your partner's emotions.
- Spend quality time together, cultivating closeness and intimacy.
Every relationship requires work, but eliminating the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" can significantly improve its quality. Awareness of these patterns is the first step to creating a healthy, lasting, and happy relationship.