Menu
Have you ever wondered why some relationships run smoothly while others are filled with anxiety, uncertainty, or constant miscommunication? The answer may lie deeper than just compatibility or shared interests—it may be rooted in your attachment style.
Attachment theory, first proposed by British psychologist John Bowlby and developed by Mary Ainsworth, explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional patterns and, in turn, our romantic relationships in adulthood. Understanding your attachment style can provide valuable insights into the behaviors, choices, and challenges we face in relationships. So what are attachment styles, and how do they affect our romantic relationships?
Characteristic: People with a secure attachment style usually feel secure in their relationships. They do not avoid closeness, trust their partners, and do not worry excessively about abandonment or being too dependent. This may be due to the consistent, responsive care they received as children, the kind of care that was the basis for a sense of security. A child in a relationship with a parent who is open to their needs learns to express their needs and feelings in a safe and open way. People with a secure attachment style often create stable, balanced, and emotionally satisfying relationships. They feel comfortable with both independence and closeness, can communicate effectively, and are less likely to fall into cycles of jealousy or conflict. Their sense of security allows them to survive difficulties and grow together with their partner.
People with secure attachment styles will form relationships with partners who value open communication and emotional closeness. They are also less likely to tolerate dysfunctional relationships, setting healthy boundaries when necessary.
Characteristic: People with an ambivalent attachment style crave closeness but often fear that their partner does not feel the same way. They may need constant reassurance, become overly dependent, and tend to fear abandonment. This often creates unbearable anger, which in turn results in emotional withdrawal. This results from inconsistent caregiving, where the parent or caregiver was sometimes available but other times not, sometimes responsive to the child's signals but often emotionally unavailable. People with this attachment style often find themselves in emotionally turbulent relationships, fueled by fear of abandonment. This can lead to behaviors such as controlling behavior, jealousy, and excessive worry about the future of the relationship. Their constant need for reassurance can overwhelm their partner, creating a cycle of rejection, insecurity, and dissatisfaction.
People with an ambivalent attachment style often choose partners who are less emotionally available, which reinforces their fears of abandonment. This dynamic can lead to a frustrating relationship in which one person is constantly seeking closeness while the other withdraws.
Characteristic: People with an avoidant attachment style value independence and self-sufficiency over closeness. They may be uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and often distance themselves when relationships become too intense. This style typically develops due to emotionally detached caregiving, where the child has learned that needs for closeness will not be consistently met and that one can rely on oneself to meet them. People with an avoidant attachment style may seem distant or emotionally unavailable in romantic relationships. They may value independence over intimacy and have difficulty forming deeper emotional bonds with their partner. This can lead to difficulties in maintaining long-term, emotionally satisfying relationships.
People with an avoidant attachment style may be drawn to partners who are more emotionally needy, creating a pattern in which one person seeks closeness while the other avoids intimacy. They may also avoid serious relationships, focusing on casual, noncommittal interactions to avoid emotional dependency. Avoiding closeness protects against abandonment—because detachment reduces the risk of suffering when a relationship breaks down.
Characteristic: People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style often have conflicting desires in relationships. They crave closeness but also fear being hurt. This style often stems from childhood trauma or significant emotional instability, where the caregiver was both a source of comfort and fear. The relationships of people with a disorganized attachment style can be chaotic and unpredictable. They vacillate between wanting closeness and pushing their partner away out of fear of being hurt. This inconsistency can create emotional rollercoaster rides, leaving both partners feeling confused and emotionally drained.
People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style may have difficulty maintaining stable relationships, often falling into cycles of breakups and reconciliations. They may be drawn to relationships that reflect their early experiences—ones that are both emotionally intense and full of conflict.
The good news is that while attachment styles are formed in childhood, they are not set in stone. Through self-awareness, therapy, and self-work, it is possible to move toward a more secure attachment style. Developing secure attachment behaviors in adulthood is often about learning to trust, communicate openly, and manage emotions in a healthy way.
How to develop a secure attachment style:
However, it should be remembered that the attachment style researcher Ainsworth (1969) stated that the attachment style may be different towards people, e.g. different towards parents, but also different towards peers. Such a state was called by later attachment researchers a differentiated attachment style, in which a person may present different attachment styles, depending on the quality of the relationship with a given individual. There may be global attachment styles, which are most often activated in similar situations, but also specific attachment styles, characteristic of a given relationship (Fraley, 2007; Marszał, 2015).
