Every person living in society establishes relationships with other people. We have different relationships with people because our roles in life are different. Relationships can be better, worse, closer and further. Those that come easily to us, and those that make us feel not quite ourselves. And it is good to review these difficult relationships in terms of our boundaries. What are they anyway?
Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Not only in partnerships, but with people in general. Parents, children, co-workers. Expectations in relationships help maintain good mental and emotional health.
No borders means:
– Agreeing to things we don't want to do/accept
– Lending money to others because we feel obliged to do so
– Giving up pleasure for the pleasure of other people
– Over-sharing
– People pleasing
Or:
– building a wall around yourself
– not sharing at all
– cutting yourself off from people
– avoiding being sensitive
Healthy boundaries include:
– Free expression of opinions
– The feeling of being valuable
– Sharing with others as much as I feel I can afford and it does not violate my safety
– When I say "NO", I don't feel like I'm doing anything against anyone, but I take care of myself
– When I hear "NO", I don't feel like it's being said against me, but I know that whoever says it knows what's best for them.
What are healthy boundaries?
Boundaries should be flexible, that is, neither too rigid nor too fluid. It's not about surrounding yourself with a wall and not accepting others into our world. It's about feeling safe even when others disagree with us. Good boundaries are the foundation of a satisfying relationship, not its enemy.
How to learn to communicate needs: Assertiveness is the key!
1: Be specific
Try to be as understandable as possible. Watch your tone - don't shout or whisper. If you use complicated words or jargon, people may not understand you and will miss the mark. Take a deep, deep breath and focus on precision.
2. Say directly what you (don't) want or (don't) need.
For example, when someone in your company is talking about another person and you feel uncomfortable about it, you can say: I don't want to talk about someone behind their back. Personally, I like her/him and I don't feel okay talking about her/him in a negative way.
3. Dealing with your emotions:
The hardest part is dealing with the discomfort that comes with setting boundaries. The most common feelings associated with taking care of one's boundaries are: guilt, fear of rejection, fear of hurting others, and awkwardness.
How to work with emotions?
If you feel guilty, here are some reminders:
• It's healthy to have boundaries.
• Other people have boundaries that you respect.
• Setting boundaries is a sign of a healthy relationship.
• If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was going to end anyway
Feeling guilty doesn't limit you from setting boundaries. That feeling. And like all feelings, guilt will come and go. Try not to treat guilt as the worst thing in the world.
Fear
We fear the worst. “They'll act weird,” “I'll feel awkward,” or “I might ruin our friendship if I try to set a boundary.” Of course, we have no way of knowing how someone else will react to our assertiveness, but we cannot always assume the worst-case scenario.
Sadness
“I just want to be nice.” We feel sad because we assume that setting a boundary will hurt someone's feelings. We assume that people won't be able to cope with our assertiveness. Remember that you can't guess how someone else is feeling, so wait until they tell you.
Awkwardness
“Things are going to be weird.” This is also a common worry. Setting boundaries doesn't make you a bad person, just a healthy one. Recognize that you have done something good for yourself. Do what you would normally do in a relationship. If you talk to the person every day, call them the next day. If you assume the energy between you is going to get weird, you'll likely create that unpleasant tone you wanted to avoid. So assume that people will respect your boundaries and act accordingly.
How to start working with your own boundaries?
Ask yourself questions
- What I feel?
- Why does this situation make me feel this way?
- How can I deal with what I'm feeling right now?
If you feel that it is difficult for you to set boundaries in your life and that it negatively affects your well-being in relationships with others, I invite you to a consultation with a psychologist so that together we can think about and work through the areas that cause you the most difficulties.
References: Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. A TarcherPerigee book.